Quote of the Day

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

Niels Bohr
Danish physicist (1885 - 1962)

The Toffee Nugget as described by HP Lovecraft

Few men dare ask the question "What is toffee, exactly?" All those who have investigated this substance are now either dead or insane.

Mr. Rogers - You so crazy!

EPISODE SYNOPSES FOR THE NEVER-AIRED TV COP DRAMA RAZOR AND SMITH.

from McSweeney's

BY JEFF MACFEE

- - - -

EPISODE ONE

Pilot

Razor is introduced, swilling
coffee and cleaning his gun. His partner Edward Smith has been killed
in the line of duty, and the department mourns. Razor's new partner is
a freshly promoted "by the book" detective also named Smith. Razor
hates him. But after a big shootout in the precinct headquarters
everything changes, as Smith saves a police dog before taking a fatal
bullet in the chest. He dies in Razor's arms. Razor promises to write
Smith's mother as "I'll Stand by You" by the Pretenders plays into the
credits.

EPISODE TWO

Hot Beef Injection

Razor gets a new partner, also
named Smith. Razor hates him. They foil a robbery in the bank next door
to Razor's favorite hot-dog stand. Smith takes a bullet saving a
crippled child, and Razor swears on the Bible of a wounded Jehovah's
Witness that Smith is his best partner ever.

EPISODE THREE

I Love Hookers!

Razor partners with another
Smith. Razor thinks he's OK. They meet Rose, a trashy yet beautiful
hooker. She witnesses a mob hit and they must protect her in a safe
house until she can testify. Rose only works the street to send her
blind sister to college. She cooks her mother's potatoes au gratin for
the detectives while they hide in the safe house. Razor treats Rose
with disdain but secretly loves her with all his heart. Rose calls
Razor a scoundrel and secretly loves him with all her heart. A passing
gas-meter reader turns out to be the deadly assassin known as the
Jackal. Smith takes a bullet in the back protecting Rose, who is
exposed while hanging the detectives' socks out to dry.

EPISODE FOUR

The One Where Smith Is a Dog

Smith is a Border collie. He gets run over by Lenny the Pimp's Escalade.

EPISODE FIVE

'Ello, Guv'nor!

Razor and the new Smith are on
vacation, and their English cousins Blazor and Smythe take over for a
day. Smythe is killed saving the captain's childhood friend Moose from
a Russian spy. Razor returns at the end of the episode, having buried
Smith in Florida, where he died in a freak water-skiing accident. The
captain gives Blazor a medal, and Blazor and Razor arm-wrestle as the
credits roll.

EPISODE SIX

Is That Marriage in Your Pants

or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Smith is a woman who does
everything better than Razor. After she carries him from a burning
building, Razor calls her "an all-right doll." They marry. Razor's
nemesis, Dr. Huntington Sinclair, drives by the church as the couple
exits and machine-guns the bride. Smith dies in Razor's arms, and he
swears to never love again. Razor then adopts a kid from Slovenia.

EPISODE SEVEN

Clip Show

Highlights from episodes one through six are featured. Narrated by William Shatner.

EPISODE EIGHT

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

and Is Also Black

The new Smith is black. Razor
overcomes his latent racial prejudices and invites Smith to his house
for a barbecue. While introducing Smith to his friends, Razor refers to
him as his "African-American" friend. Smith objects to this because his
family is from Port-au-Prince and prefers to be called
"Haitian-American." Razor doesn't see what the difference is, but goes
along with it anyway. Smith is eventually killed by robots.

- - - -

Awesome!

Watch all the way through. The slow motion at the end is the best!

Tot-Tanic: Too soon?

The sinking resulted in the deaths of 1,517 people, but now it's fun for the whole family!

read more | digg story

Security Camera Fun

This little girl really wants a teddy bear!

The Humanity!

This was the scene today at stately Wayne Manor.

Here is a close-up of the body (Skydiver Dave)

Authorities are certain it was the work of Stormtrooper Joe Dixon and a blue train known only as "Thomas"

Here you can see a dramatic reenactment, where trooper and engine pushed Skydiver Dave though the skylight at Wayne Manor.

 

Police believe the last thing that Skydiver Dave saw looked something like this.

Groverfield

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

swiped from Collegehumor.com

My feelings exactly...

Entertainment Industry: Please Stop Pandering To My Generation! [Generation X]

from io9 by Charlie Jane Anders

When did I first realize that Generation-X nostalgia was a driving the entertainment industry off a cliff? First all the toys I'd broken were suddenly on the big screen, thrashing each other and cursing loudly. Then the cartoons I liked were being acted out — with gravitas — by real actors. Now it turns out Sir John Gielgud is being dug up, resurrected and having frog DNA injected, so he can play Baron Silas Greenback in the new Danger Mouse movie. When will it stop?

As a card-carrying member* of Generation X, I am sick of Gen-X pandering from the entertainment industry. I lived through the 1980s, and they licked the first time.They were a vapid time: full of neon, preppies, pastels, bad hair, callow materialism and Debbie Gibson. (Actually, I kind of liked Debbie Gibson. But don't tell anybody.)

Signs of the apocalypse include a He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe movie — why, Vishnu, why? — and a new 90210 sequel series, featuring some of the original actors. (Okay, so 90210 isn't science fiction, except that Shannon Doherty is some sort of mutant.) Not to mention a G.I. Joe movie, a Transformers sequel, a Knight Rider TV show, an Escape From New York remake, a Robotech movie, a Bill And Ted remake, another new Terminator movie and TV show, an A-Team movie, a Greatest American Hero movie, a War Games sequel and a Wolverine movie — even though Wolverine first hit in the 1970s, he didn't really hit until the 1980s. Plus, the Brits are bringing me a new Blake's 7 show!

Not to mention, the comics industry is obsessed with the comics that were coming out during the exact month I realized you're not supposed to act impressed by your first real kiss. Marvel is putting out a series that's actually called 1985, and the whole point is: it takes place in 1985. Plus the big money shot in Secret Invasion #1 is all the Marvel superheroes, looking like their 1980s counterparts, stepping off a spaceship as if they've been away for 20 years. And every DC comic for the past three years has been a rehash of Crisis On Infinite Earths. And did DC really publish a new Outsiders comic, or did I just hallucinate it?

Not to mention that they're using the magic of modern technology to put out a new Mega Man game that looks totally retro (i.e., crappy) and 8-bit. And you can actually buy an Atari 2600 controller with games that look just as crufty as they did when I drank 10 liters of coke and conquered Adventure.

As Doris Lessing says in her science fictional Canopus In Argos series, nostaglia means "longing for what has never been." Much of Lessing's work is about the use of nostalgia to poison people, drawing people into supporting bad wars and worse policies and regressing everyone into pliant babies. Speaking of which, they're totally redoing the Canopus series except this time there'll be a talking tea-kettle named Naughty.

The other morning when I woke up, Kevin Feige, Brad Grey and Jeff Zucker were gathered around my bed, holding little mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows and replicas of the Wonder Woman pajamas I used to wear. "We're bringing it all back!" Kevin Feige said. "It's 1986 all over again!" Jeff Zucker said. "That day you ate ten boxes of nachos and swigged half a bottle of Malibu until you passed out marinating in your own stomach acid and pancreas squeezings? It'll be just like that!" I tried to explain that I didn't really want to relive those years, and the greatest antidote to lingering nostalgia is to see all of the plastic castles of youth rebuilt anew.

"But it'll all be a hundred times better this time, thanks to CG!" Paramount's Brad Grey jumped up and down. "Just look at this new Airwolf pilot, where the super-helicopter is also an ipod, and it's got the brain of a self-help guru inside it, and it'll travel back in time and make your junior prom not suck. And it's in love with Tina Majorino from Veronica Mars! Also, the CG can make it so the people who only pretended to like you in high school really did like you!" I had to dive out the window before they could show me the pilot for a new series that mashed up Manimal and Perfect Strangers, where a guy's cousin turns out to have a funny accent and animal powers.

I had to duck out the window, still wearing my non-footie pajamas, to escape from the bombardment with pop detritus my mom threw out when I was a teenager. They chased me down Haight St., waving posters for their new reality TV series that blends The Big Chill with Cherry 2000: The Big Cherry Chill, where old friends gather, with their malfunctioning sexbots in tow, and listen to the music of their youth: Depeche Mode. I dove into a bong store to seek refuge (Haight St. is pretty much all bong stores — I blame nostalgia) but the guy in the store was one of those new cyber-preppies, obsessively checking his friends network on the new Preppie Handbook-themed version of Facebook. It was actually worse than being pandered to by Jeff Zucker.

In the end, I had to surrender. They tucked me in, fluffed my pillows, put me in the Wonder Woman PJs, and snuck me some weed. It was just like when I faked sick at age 15. Then they put the portable TV at the foot of my bed and showed me the director's cut of Speed Racer, which is ten hours long and turns pornographic right before Christina Ricci's skin falls off and the Mach-6 starts only going backwards. And hey. As I drifted into a warm place, feeling as though I could just wet myself right here in the bed and Brad Grey would clean it up for me, I had a stab of memory: being annoyed, in the late 80s, whenever the fuck the 20th anniversary of the Summer Of Love was (1986? 1989? No clue) and being annoyed by all the crappy 1960s nostalgia, Star Trek was back and everything 1960s was back... and thinking: One day it'll be our turn. So hey, now it is. I might as well enjoy it. Right?

* Actually I lost my card. I'm a slacker, what do you want? If you actually still have your Gen-X card, you're not really Gen-X. If you've got your Gen-X card and you laminated it or covered it with mylar of some sort, you're probably actually part of the Net or Millennial generations. (Actually, according to this incredibly confusing and enlightening chart by Josh Glenn, I'm really part of the Generation That Ate Its Own Entrails, or GAIE for short.)

Chuck and Hellboy

I like the show Chuck and I liked Hellboy 2, here you get both!

I love cross-promotions!

THE BEST BASTILLE DAY PARTY EVER.

BY JIM STALLARD

- - - -

Bastille Day! Are there any other words that so stir the hearts of Americans young and old? Adults look forward to July 14 as a respite from the summer doldrums, when the house starts to feel like its own kind of prison. And kids from Bangor to Bakersfield eagerly count down the days and hours till they can celebrate the symbolic start of the French Revolution.

True, some of the joy has been lost in recent years as status-conscious parents try to one-up their neighbors, hiring professional actors to pose as Louis XVI and erecting actual-size guillotines on the lawn. One could be forgiven for thinking that the true meaning of Bastille Day is being overlooked.

Fortunately, you don't have to go to such lengths to ensure that the youngsters have a great time. A little planning and imagination can produce a Bastille Day party that is both inexpensive and comme il faut.

First, try to hold the party when your kids are at the ideal age, around 5 or 6. At this stage, they're old enough to comprehend concepts like the ancien régime, the alliance of the rising bourgeoisie, and the resentment of royal absolutism, and yet young enough to get a kick out of using red Kool-Aid as a symbol for blood. Also, try to invite as many kids as possible (at least 50), even if your children don't know them well. Without the mob atmosphere, it's hardly worth doing.

Second, when you send out invitations, include a request that all attendees read (or, hopefully, reread!) A Tale of Two Cities. Familiarity with this Dickens classic will greatly enrich their experience the day of the party. Tell them they won't get in the door unless they can answer a trivia question about the book.

Third, don't forget to educate while entertaining. One fantastic approach I witnessed is to have the children sit quietly on the patio for 60 to 90 minutes while you recount the political and socioeconomic factors that led to the revolution. Don't give short shrift to the rise of Enlightenment ideals—5-year-olds can soak up a lot. When you finally get to the Reign of Terror, culminate the lecture by grabbing the punch bowl and saying "And then France was drenched in rivers of blood" as you pour the contents onto the patio with enough force to slosh through the entire audience. Kids are used to being sticky and they will squeal with delight at seeing an adult spill something for once. I've found that cherry Kool-Aid best approximates the color, although you can also use Fruit Punch Gatorade.

Fourth, party favors can make or break the experience; they're what the kids will remember from the occasion. Don't settle for tiny French flags—it's been done a million times. Instead, how about miniature guillotines that really work? You can get a pack of 30 for $19.99 (www.executeness.com), and they're perfect for encouraging more healthy snacking. Children who normally turn up their noses at carrots or celery suddenly can't get enough when they get to chop them into bits themselves. The tiny devices work with many other foods as well—try string cheese or Slim Jims, for example. At a neighborhood party I attended last year, a 5-year-old boy actually "beheaded" Tootsie Roll Pops and handed out the heads to all the guests.

Fifth, the kids will be disappointed if you don't have at least one or two re-enactments. Tell them your "Bastille" (the kitchen cabinet) needs to be stormed by the entire group so they can liberate some cupcakes. When the group finds only five cupcakes, you can drive home the lesson that the real Bastille was mostly empty that fateful day. (This has the potential to get a little ugly, so make sure you read the mood of the crowd beforehand.) Or re-create the famous Thermidorian Reaction, with your son, the gracious host, volunteering to be Robespierre. Kids will clamor for their turn to scream at him "The blood of Danton is choking you!" As a capper, let them load Robespierre onto a wheelbarrow "tumbrel" and parade him around the yard.

After this excitement, calm your young charges by reading from the Declaration of the Rights of Man, alternating between English and French. Some may use this as naptime, but most will be bursting with questions about popular sovereignty and the influences of John Locke and the American Revolution. Do your best to satisfy their curiosity, but if you don't know the answer to something, don't try to fake it—kids can see right through that kind of phoniness.

Once they're fully rested, hand them a sponge and show them how to scrub the "blood" off the patio to celebrate the goddess Reason and to remove the stain of violence from the Republic. This little task will make them feel invested in the success of the party.

The final event is obvious: Let them eat cake! If you're ambitious, you can serve it dressed as Marie you-know-who. Just make sure each "peasant" gets a fair portion or you may find a barricade in your driveway!

As you can see, a little planning can give the youngsters an exhilarating experience without breaking the bank. The kids will dream of executions for months and the neighbors will speak of little else. And you can take deep satisfaction in the knowledge that, thanks partly to you, these kids will grow up to love and respect the French as much as they love us.

Pulled from McSweeny's

Fun in the Bank Drive - thru

I work for a bank, and this is priceless.

Let me introduce...

This is Jake



The train is actual size. He is a giant.

Welcome to Space!

First Post!