EPISODE SYNOPSES FOR THE NEVER-AIRED TV COP DRAMA RAZOR AND SMITH.

from McSweeney's

BY JEFF MACFEE

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EPISODE ONE

Pilot

Razor is introduced, swilling
coffee and cleaning his gun. His partner Edward Smith has been killed
in the line of duty, and the department mourns. Razor's new partner is
a freshly promoted "by the book" detective also named Smith. Razor
hates him. But after a big shootout in the precinct headquarters
everything changes, as Smith saves a police dog before taking a fatal
bullet in the chest. He dies in Razor's arms. Razor promises to write
Smith's mother as "I'll Stand by You" by the Pretenders plays into the
credits.

EPISODE TWO

Hot Beef Injection

Razor gets a new partner, also
named Smith. Razor hates him. They foil a robbery in the bank next door
to Razor's favorite hot-dog stand. Smith takes a bullet saving a
crippled child, and Razor swears on the Bible of a wounded Jehovah's
Witness that Smith is his best partner ever.

EPISODE THREE

I Love Hookers!

Razor partners with another
Smith. Razor thinks he's OK. They meet Rose, a trashy yet beautiful
hooker. She witnesses a mob hit and they must protect her in a safe
house until she can testify. Rose only works the street to send her
blind sister to college. She cooks her mother's potatoes au gratin for
the detectives while they hide in the safe house. Razor treats Rose
with disdain but secretly loves her with all his heart. Rose calls
Razor a scoundrel and secretly loves him with all her heart. A passing
gas-meter reader turns out to be the deadly assassin known as the
Jackal. Smith takes a bullet in the back protecting Rose, who is
exposed while hanging the detectives' socks out to dry.

EPISODE FOUR

The One Where Smith Is a Dog

Smith is a Border collie. He gets run over by Lenny the Pimp's Escalade.

EPISODE FIVE

'Ello, Guv'nor!

Razor and the new Smith are on
vacation, and their English cousins Blazor and Smythe take over for a
day. Smythe is killed saving the captain's childhood friend Moose from
a Russian spy. Razor returns at the end of the episode, having buried
Smith in Florida, where he died in a freak water-skiing accident. The
captain gives Blazor a medal, and Blazor and Razor arm-wrestle as the
credits roll.

EPISODE SIX

Is That Marriage in Your Pants

or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Smith is a woman who does
everything better than Razor. After she carries him from a burning
building, Razor calls her "an all-right doll." They marry. Razor's
nemesis, Dr. Huntington Sinclair, drives by the church as the couple
exits and machine-guns the bride. Smith dies in Razor's arms, and he
swears to never love again. Razor then adopts a kid from Slovenia.

EPISODE SEVEN

Clip Show

Highlights from episodes one through six are featured. Narrated by William Shatner.

EPISODE EIGHT

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

and Is Also Black

The new Smith is black. Razor
overcomes his latent racial prejudices and invites Smith to his house
for a barbecue. While introducing Smith to his friends, Razor refers to
him as his "African-American" friend. Smith objects to this because his
family is from Port-au-Prince and prefers to be called
"Haitian-American." Razor doesn't see what the difference is, but goes
along with it anyway. Smith is eventually killed by robots.

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